


This Hulk empty, YEET

by mauvera



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Thor: who let this child on the battlefield?, Tony: give it a minute, infinity war happened and was resolved somehow idk, look peter is just doing his best and thor is confused
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 12:47:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16576793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mauvera/pseuds/mauvera
Summary: Thor is in no way happy that his teammates are letting an infant onto the battlefield. He may have been off earth for a while but surely they could see this wasn't okay?And then he sees the hulk go flying.Huh.





	This Hulk empty, YEET

How it was that the fleet of aliens had made their way to central park was an absolute mystery. And in no possible way was Thor’s use of the bifrost at all responsible.

He watched Stormbreaker slice through a half dozen of the creatures, wiping them out in a large slicing arc before returning to his hand. To his immediate left Cap was trying to hold three of them back with those two new arm shield things he had going on. Thor was yet to actually ask what happened to the original one but if he could show up without his hammer he figured the Captain was welcome to use his shiny new toys. Apparently Steve’s shields were not the only thing to have changed in the time Thor had been away from Midgard.

Before him was Stark being encased in a new metal suit of his that seemed to appear from nowhere. Apparently he had been inventing again because the armour appeared to bleed from the light capsule on his chest. It was rather impressive.

Perhaps the most curious change, Thor thought as he grabbed a creature to throw directly into the path of the raging Hulk nearby, was that there appeared to be a man who was also an ant. Thor had yet to see how that worked, the Lang man had only introduced himself by vigorously shaking Thor’s hand for far too long and had explained his role in the avengers as being an ant. Thor had looked up what an ant was on the electronic search engine Stark had provided. He couldn’t quite figure out what aid an ant would be.

His confusion was soon rectified when the man simply disappeared. Thor recalled Stormbreaker to his hand to avenge the Ant by killing the alien which had somehow evaporated him, but before he could the creature was felled by nothing. He peered closer, the battle forgotten, and was relieved to see the Antman was fine, simply shrunken to the size of a small bug.

Aha! He was the size of an ant. What a clever name, Thor thought amusedly.

The fight carried on. Each Avenger attempting to control the carnage being spread throughout the park but they appeared to be making no real headway. Despite the Hulks adamant attempt to smash everything he could find, more creatures continued to simply pour from the portal that Thor still asserted was not his fault. His thoughts were soon interrupted by the introduction of a new figure.

Thor stopped his movements midway through carving an alien in half to observe the red and blue clad being swing into the midst of battle. He wondered if this was another new Avenger he was yet to meet, perhaps this one could sprout more limbs like the insignia on his chest.

“Kid!” Stark called also catching sight of the man. Boy? He did call him a kid. Curious. “The hell are you doing here Spider-Man?!”

“Mr Stark,” came an incredibly youthful reply “School just finished so I came to help.” The child dodged three separate blasts from the creatures’ weapons in rapid succession. “You told me class came first and I listened. But it’s over so I’m here.”

Thor would have been impressed by the young man’s determination to assist if he wasn’t so furious at his teammates for allowing this infant to be on the battlefield with them. It was one thing for Asgardian children to be introduced to battle early in their lives but even then it was only after some decades of growth before training truly began. But this? Thor furiously took out a dozen more aliens with a streak of lightning. This was foolish. Midgardian bodies were already so frail and weak he was sure their children wouldn’t fare much better than a rabbit against an abilisk. 

“Stark!” Thor bellowed. The Ironman flew to him, assuming he need assistance. Hilarious. Tony landed nearby shooting his light beams at the creatures that had been surrounding Thor’s back. He didn’t need the help but it was certainly convenient having someone take care of all that so he didn’t have to keep turning on the spot. “Stark what are you doing?” 

“What does it look like Thunderthighs? I’m killing some ugly ass aliens. No offence”

Thor rolled his eyes, ducking to avoid a blast aimed at his chest and retaliating with a sweep of Stormbreaker into the offender’s neck. 

“No, I am wondering why you morons let a child fight your battles.” Thor grunted when one of his enemies landed a lucky blow against his cheek. So far from what he had seen the kid had done little more than avoid any immediate blows and was simply incapacitating the creatures with some kind of weblike substance. Less exciting than growing additional limbs but at least the child was staying out of immediate danger.

Of course, it was at that point the kid landed, he reached up with his bare hands to stop the blow aimed at the back of the Black Widow’s head. Thor felt a shout of warning attempt to make its way out of his chest but before he could even make a noise the child had grasped the alien’s arm, halting the momentum of a being that weighed at least ten of the Midgardian tonnes. He watched in shock as the, what had Stark called him? Spider-Man? He watched the Spider-Man tighten his hold on an alien twice his size just to pull back and push it into a group of it’s companions, knocking them right into the path of the Hulk. That was Thor’s move.

Apparently that was not the extent of the Spider-child’s ability though.

 

Thor continued to fight with growing horror as the kid walked, unafraid, up to the Hulk as though the raging green monster could not smash him to splinters in seconds.

“Excuse me Mister Hulk sir?”

There was no way the child was serious but the Hulk simply turned, grunting at the kid most likely trying to gauge if he was a threat. Thor could only hope Banner was in there somewhere equally as pissed as him and was trying to get the Hulk to leave the boy alone. Apparently at least one being was sane in this battle because the Hulk decided to just gently nudge the boy out of the way of an incoming attack. Well, it would most likely not have been quite so gentle except the Spider-Man had already begun moving without even having to turn around, like he just knew it was there.

Thor realised he was allowing himself to become far too distracted by his concern for the boy when he felt the cool slice of a blade entering his ribs. Seeing as none of his team mates seemed concerned for the boy’s ability to defend himself Thor decided to just focus on taking out as many of the creatures as he could and close the damn portal so they could return to the compound and he could interrogate them all for their foolish decisions regarding children and battlefields. 

Regardless, Thor was not so preoccupied by the battle that he stopped paying attention to the Spider-Boy altogether which was why he suddenly became concerned at the enthusiasm in the kid’s voice when he said “Hey Mister Hulk do you want to really go smash a whole bunch of these guys at once?” 

At the sound of the Hulk’s curious affirmative grunt Thor wheeled around just in time to witness the Spider-Man reach around the Hulk’s left leg from where he had been lying in the ground, a half dozen aliens climbing over the felled green giant. Then, as though it were nothing, Spider-Man simply launched the Hulk through the air.

 

The child yelled something but Thor missed it as he was too busy watching the Hulk soar above the battle, either screaming a battle cry, or simply out of fear Thor couldn’t be sure. After what felt like some time but was probably only moments the Hulk seemed to have adjusted to his new airborne way of life and had begun to adjust his trajectory as well as he could before his decent. It was only when he landed did Thor truly appreciate the genius of the child, who was still hooting enthusiastically behind him. Because when the Hulk landed he managed to crush at least two hundred of the aliens that had clustered together. Some simply squashed beneath the Hulk’s weight, others caught in the shock waves of Hulk’s landing. More still who either fell on their own weapons or were pierced by those of their fellows. It was by far the most effective move the Avengers had achieved throughout the whole battle so when the Hulk stood up, roaring triumphantly, he immediately began to cut a path back through the fighting to the Spider-Man so they could repeat the maneuver. 

He wasn’t even surprised when half of their enemies ran frightened back to the portal. As the Hulk reached his new friend the battle had halved. That of course didn’t stop him from demanding the Spider help him smash puny aliens.

While the Hulk was busy being launched yet again towards the now growing population of fleeing creatures Stark turned triumphantly to Thor.

“I can perhaps see why he is here.” Thor conceded generously, still bemused by the turn of events.

“Good.” Stark said before flying over to where the kid was not even fighting, just cheering at the Hulk’s successful launch and daintily avoiding any incoming attacks.

“Nice work kid,” Thor heard Stark say, blasting some of the final stragglers that were gaining on the child, “But we need to have a word about how often you’re allowed to start just throwing Avengers around and saying ‘yeet’.”

 


End file.
